Monthly Archives: June 2009

Parenting Troubled Teens: Self-Control

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parenting32 Parenting Troubled Teens: Self Control


A little over a week ago, Adam provided us with three great insights for parenting troubled, angry teens. Before reading this article, I encourage you to please read the first article about managing aggressive teens. As a recap, the first three points were

1. The parent should always control themselves.

2. The parent needs to recognize the signs of potential aggressiveness in their teen.

3. If a parent is the source of the problem, they need to remove themselves.

So what does it mean, that a “parent should always control themselves”? It sounds simple and self-explanatory, but isn’t there more to this simple truth? Or, am I just missing the point?

Parenting Troubled Teens Requires Parental Self-Control

I asked Adam if he could elaborate on the first point being discussed. I asked questions such as:

1. The parents are the boss, why can’t they react to their teen’s angry behaviors?

2. What are the repercussions if parents do not control themselves?

3. How can a self-controlled parent calm an aggressive situation with their teen?

So what is the point for parents practicing self control with their angry teen? Some of his answers are as follows. Adam said, “Controlling one’s self IS the point. A parent cannot control the actions of their teen. That’s an ever common problem. The parent attempts to control the behavior of the teen by making it worse (yelling, aggressive behavior, grounding, belittling, etc).
Behavior modification is most effective when it comes from behavior modeling. In other words, the parent MUST set the tone of the conversation. Realizing that the object is to get through the “moment” in a civil, caring and loving way. Even if the outcome is not desirable. With each “modeled” moment, the teen will see new responses to the ongoing situation.

The situation must be dealt with. In other words, the parent should not run around the issue, rather attack it head on being honest and open, BUT in control of their own emotions.”

Parents Cannot Control Their Teens, Even if the Outcome is Not Desirable

The sad truth is that many parents do not control themselves when their troubled teens are acting out. They react, yell, belittle, etc… I’m not talking down to you -the parent- because I know it’s next to impossible to control your actions when your angry teen is yelling at you, swearing, threatening, and even physically demolishing your home and belongings.

Really, what parent is perfect in this? None. BUT, with practice and dedication, you CAN learn how to control yourself when your teen is aggressive and out of control.

Your struggling teen WILL see the change in you, and your teen will learn that even though he/she is angry, they don’t have to respond aggressively. You cannot control your teen, but you can change your response to one that is loving, caring, and civil.

This isn’t easy…we know. But, we encourage you to take these steps in parenting your teen.

1. You cannot control the actions of your teen.

2. You MUST set the tone of the conversation.

3. Your goal is to get through the “moment” in a civil, caring and loving way, even if the outcome is not desirable.

We are here to support you, and if you ever have a question or want a community to talk to other parents about your teen, please join our forum. You are doing a great job, please continue and be encouraged that we are here for you and know what you are going through.


Intentional Parenting Requires Courage, Vision, And Accountability

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parenting4 Intentional Parenting Requires Courage, Vision, And Accountability


Many parents may not be aware of what it takes to be an intentional parent. Of course, parenting is an ongoing process that teaches parents new things each day and leaves much more that needs to be learnt before they become a good parent. With their busy schedules, it is hard enough for them to be a good parent and intentional parenting may seem quite daunting and unattainable at first.

Not Necessarily Perfect Parenting

Intentional parenting may not be perfect parenting; instead, it refers to a parent that has mentally determined that some action or result related to parenting need to be performed. In other words, the intentional parent is an “on purpose” parent. Parents often tend to react to their children rather than have a plan that they have prepared in advance. This is a tendency that parents readily acknowledge, but do little about.

Some reasons that contribute to intentional parenting being difficult to achieve are vision, know-how and accountability. Furthermore, the biggest obstacle to intentional parenting begins in the mind – there may not be enough time for contemplating what hangs in the balance. In other words, parents often fail to realize what can be gained and what is lost if they do not invest in their children through intentional parenting.

Lack of know-how is another challenge facing parents. Parents will often be at a loss to visualize what intentional parenting looks and feels like, and what it all about is. This means that parents’ lack a plan of action and it can be compared to driving in a foreign country without a map for guidance. To get over this shortcoming, parents need to read, research, and utilize resources to get started on the road to intentional parenting. It may even necessitate changing their strategy and approach towards the child.

After developing the vision and plan of action, there is still the task of implementing the intentional parenting concept. Being accountable is a good first step in this direction because when the parent deviates from the path of intentional parenting and may be slipping, accountability will enable the parent to get back on course and escape the mistake of falling out of habit.

With all these well meaning thoughts and ideas in place, it only remains to act with energy and time which, for busy parents, seems to be always in short supply. Nevertheless, with courage one can become a good parent. Every parent should be able to muster up enough courage and take the intentional parenting path, to achieve betterment of both child and parent.


How To Get Parents Involved With School Activities

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parenting30 How To Get Parents Involved With School Activities


Research has repeatedly shown that children succeed academically, socially and emotionally and become more well-rounded and balanced individuals if their parents are involved in their education and school activities. Getting involved also sends the message to children that parents are genuinely interested in their education, and that going to school is a positive, valuable cause.

But many parents don’t seem to show much interest in this cause when they aren’t participators in their children’s school activities. They often say they don’t have the time or energy or that they feel uncomfortable in their children’s schools. Other parents just seem to be confused about their options and how they can participate, or are just lacking the right information.

So how can schools get parents involved with school activities?

Communication is the key. A major reason for lack of parental involvement is lack of clear, straightforward and helpful information. Schools and teachers need to make contact with parents—in person, on the phone, through e-mail and websites, through letters and notes sent home, through newsletters. Teachers need to talk to parents in a basic manner without adding “educational jargon” and ensure parents have regular access to readable information about their children’s school activities—both in and out of the classroom.

Parents want to know what their children are learning, what school activities they are involved in, how they as parents can specifically be involved with their children’s education and school activities, how they can approach teachers and how they can help their children at home.
Providing this information regularly, consistently and in various formats will help bridge the gap between schools lacking parental involvement and parents not being involved in the schools.

Accommodation and inclusion is another strategy for getting parents involved in school activities. Parents need to know that schools are sensitive to their needs, lifestyles and demands. Teachers should try and work around parents’ work schedules for school activities, meetings and conferences, and also work around cultural or language barriers. Schools should make it easy, too, by letting parents know that involvement doesn’t have to be an all-consuming, complicated process.

Another way to be accommodating is to invite parents to act as partners in the school decision-making process. They should regularly ask for parents’ concerns and suggestions, and then deal with them accordingly. If schools want parents to come to school meetings, they could first of all provide a survey asking what dates and times are the most suitable, provide child care for younger siblings, and a “parental platform” during the meeting where parents are given the opportunity to speak, make suggestions and ask questions.

Be resourceful. Finally, schools should provide resources for parents who want to learn more and become more involved in their children’s school activities and education. Offer parent education classes. Create a parenting resource center at the school with informational material such as brochures, articles, magazines, tips, textbooks, videos and CDs or tapes. Develop a school website with a section for parents. Set up sessions or workshops at the school on issues like single parenting, helping with homework, improving grades and study skills, child care, raising teenagers, drug and sexual awareness, etc. Send “goodie bags” home filled with activities parents can do with their children.

The opportunities are endless, and if schools and teachers are truly committed to the cause of parental involvement in education and school activities, then they can get parents on board as well.


Tips for Parents of Gifted Kids

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parenting24 Tips for Parents of Gifted Kids


Parenting in itself is a challenging task. Sometimes we can shift from one parenting tip to another and still have trouble with some aspects of parenting. Parenting becomes even more challenging when one is the parent of a gifted child. What kind of a parenting tip can a parent resort to in such a case? Sometimes raising a gifted child may also require a special parenting tip of some sort.

Recognize Giftedness

It’s true. Most parents want to believe that their kids are gifted in some way. While it may be true that different kids have different talents and intelligences, there are simply some kids who are way over the top. The foremost parenting tip is to recognize if your child is truly gifted. Attached to this parenting tip is the parenting tip on looking for the common signs. Your child may be gifted if he can finish work exceedingly faster than his peers. He may also be able to read and understand material that is not intended for his age. Your gifted child may also exhibit above average abilities in the arts or other fields.

Ask for Help

This is not necessarily next to the parenting tip of recognition. This however, may be a helpful parenting tip for parents who are unsure how to proceed or who have gifted children who are unusually difficult to handle emotionally. A suggested parenting tip is to have your child tested by professionals. You may also ask for special assistance from school counselors or ask them to recommend special ways to help your child.

Unconditional Love

Probably one key parenting tip to ensure that your gifted child grows up well adjusted is to communicate unconditional love and acceptance. You should communicate with your child and tell him that you love him for who he is and not because he can perform well in school or because he does things perfectly. While it is also a good parenting tip to show appreciation and praise for achievement, make sure that you tell your kid that you would still love him anyway even if he didn’t get a perfect score or an honor ribbon.

Reality Check

A related parenting tip to unconditional love is making sure that your child knows that not everything can be perfect at all times. This is a crucial parenting tip because gifted children may easily get frustrated as grown ups when things don’t always go their way.

Variety of Learning Experiences

One good parenting tip involves diversity. Gifted children may easily get bored over something they’ve easily mastered. Introduce a variety of topics and learning experiences. This will give you the chance to discover his strong points of interest and keep his learning topics at a healthy balance. Part of this parenting tip is to also school your child on social matters. It may be well and good to let him watch various educational books and CDs but consider letting him join play groups. Let him socialize with other kids.

Do Not Overload

While is a good parenting tip to offer various learning experiences, it is also important not to overdo it. You may have enrolled your child in violin classes, swimming lessons, advanced math classes, reading group and a variety of other classes. You might also just be treating a child like an adult with so many responsibilities. We all know it’s not pleasant to be overloaded so go easy on your kid. Remember, your child is still essentially a child so let him enjoy a little play and childish relaxation.


Explaining SPARK – How It Helps Struggling Single Parents

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parenting12 Explaining SPARK How It Helps Struggling Single Parents


In 1970, 90% of all children under eighteen years of age lived in homes with two parents. In 2006, only 70% of children under eighteen years of age lived with two parents. Thus, the number of children living with one parent tripled from 8.5 million in 1970 to 20.6 million 2006. Clearly, single-parent families have become much more common across the United States. In highly urban areas, single parents lead a complex and difficult life. Concerns about crime, economic pressures, time demands, and the busy pace of life make single parenting a stressful challenge.

Single Parents Raising Kids, or SPARK, is an association of single parents living in Montgomery County in the State of Maryland in the United States. SPARK also covers single parents in areas near Montgomery County and Maryland.

SPARK was formed in 1987 by nine people who have successfully met the challenges of life as single parents. The founders’ goal was to give single parents the tools they need to deal with the stressful issues they already had faced and overcome.

About SPARK

Single Parents Raising Kids is a non-governmental organization whose mission is to build a community where single parents in the area can interact, build new friendships, and share their experiences.

SPARK provides a forum where single parents in Maryland can support each other, share their the lessons they’ve learned through their common experiences, and help members learn from their successes and their mistakes.

SPARK fulfills its mission by encouraging active participation of its members in a balanced program that fosters strong, happy families. The group offers social and educational opportunities for each member.

SPARK is an active organization that publishes a calendar of events each month to provide informal, friendly social gatherings where members can relax and enjoy building relationships with others who share their life experience.

Examples of such activities include concerts, movies, dinners, and classes that help members get to know each other and interact in comfortable, enjoyable surroundings.

SPARK Management and Operation

Not-for-profit SPARK exists solely to fulfill its advocacy role for and commitments to single parents. It is not involved in, nor does it support, any other causes or organizations.

SPARK exists as a social support group. It does not generate income for its founders, leaders, or members. Its only compensation is the satisfaction of knowing that it creates the opportunity for support, social interaction, and sharing of hard-earned wisdom for its single parent members.

SPARK is directed and operated by volunteers. Operating expenses are funded entirely through voluntary contributions from and raised by its single parent members.

Based in Maryland and covering nearby states, SPARK is open to all single parents with children under eighteen years of age, whether or not the parent has legal custody of the child or children.

SPARK’s Purpose

The Single Parents Raising Kids organization’s purpose is to give members practical, constructive ideas for resolving social, emotional, and monetary problems that come with single parenthood. SPARK provides social situations where single parents know they are not alone. With this in mind, SPARK gives single parents opportunities for:

• Participation with other single parents in wholesome and fun activities.

• Learning and generating more knowledge about problems and solutions for single parents.

• Sharing what they have learned that could benefit other single parents.

Reflections on Single Parenting

Today’s single parents are more fortunate than those in the past generations. The days when single parents were ostracized or looked down by the society have passed. Today, single parenthood doesn’t carry the stigma and social burden associated in the old days with a failing marriage or pregnancy out of wedlock.

The single parents of today are lucky to have available to them the opportunity to enjoy the support and issue-oriented groups and activities to help them out meet the burdens of raising children alone.

Organizations like SPARK could have helped many a single parent in the past. But it’s better late than never. Thank God, single parents can now get support from SPARK.

Having enjoyed success in making life better for single parents in the area, SPARK hopes the approach will expand from Maryland to the rest of the world.

To learn more about the organization or get information on events, contact SPARK headquarters at SPARK Incorporated, PO Box 288, Rockville, Maryland 20848.


The Internet as a Parenting Resource for New Parents

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parenting26 The Internet as a Parenting Resource for New Parents


There is nothing as exciting, fulfilling and joyful as becoming a parent for the first time. First time parenthood however, can also be fraught with tremendous stress brought about by anticipation, preparation and caring for a little creature who can’t tell you what he needs or wants. For people who have actively sought parenthood however, it is probably this additional aspect of stress and tension that makes parenthood such a wonderfully strengthening and humbling experience. For first time parents, a useful parenting resource is a must.

Since time immemorial, new parents could always have ready access to any parenting resource. They could either ask close relatives and friends for sound pieces of advice or they could look for other parenting resource traditional sources. The library or bookstore for example can have a good parenting resource or two lying around. Expectant parents usually read a parenting resource book or watch a parenting resource video or film. Many can attest that such methods have held some merit. This is especially so because most famous parenting resource materials that come out in print or film have been made by expert individuals who actually publish their credentials. Parents can also benefit from a bestseller parenting resource that is sure to contain effective information.

Recently however, with the arrival of the internet, parents can also choose to get a parenting resource online. The question is whether an online parenting resource is as good as traditional ones. The internet can offer a wealth of resources for a clueless parent. Aside from selling traditional resources online, one can also choose to use a parenting resource article or e-book. There are now also available support groups and blogs or forums were parents can interact and swap practical information. The good thing about the internet is that you can check on a parenting resource without having to go out of your way. You can stay in the comfort of your home and still be well advised or informed.

In a lot of cases, a parenting resource from the internet can truly dish out good and reliable information and tips. As with everything else however, one should be careful with an online parenting resource. It may be a generally good idea to take advice from seasoned parents in forums. You can also probably take some tips from articles and online parenting resource materials that are authored by experts. Be wary however of the parenting resource that has uncertain origins or that talk about such sensitive topics as child medication or treatment. You may be endangering your child if you take note of pieces of advice from ghost writers who may not actually know what they’re talking about or from internet entities masquerading as experts.

The best thing to do is to check the credentials or origin of your parenting resource. Try researching about the names of Dr. so and so and the applicability, effectiveness, disadvantages and side effects or suggested procedures or child raising strategies. If you are particularly interested in critical and serious areas of concern, try getting into web sites that carry a .org or .gov in its address. This is especially applicable for such concerns as child safety, treatment or grave physical or psychological problems.