Parents of kids with ADD and ADHD have a hard job ahead of them. Not only do you have to deal with your child or teen’s symptoms (which can be very challenging), you also have to deal with many ’systems’ out there that are not very understanding or supportive of kids and teens with ADD or ADHD. Parents have to take on the role of: parent, therapist, advocate, educational assistant, medication consultant, etc.

And the worst part is – most parents feel like they are being blamed for their child’s Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder – and often you are being blamed.

Let’s be very clear up front: Parenting does not cause ADHD. This has been conclusively proven. I’ll repeat it: Parenting doesn’t cause ADHD.

If anything, having an ADHD child is very stressful, presents unique challenges, and creates low parenting satisfaction. Why? Because of the ADHD.

As a child psychiatrist and a parent myself – my experience is that most people have kids, and despite the fact that they are not experts in parenting, they try hard (and maybe learn about parenting through reading or classes) and their child turns out fine. You can call this ‘natural intuitive parenting’. Parents then pat themselves on the back and say ‘I’m a great parent’.

In contrast, the parent of a child with ADHD can do the exact same things – and a lot more – but they just don’t work. Instead of them being able to pat themselves on the back, everybody is trying to tell them how to parent their child because their child just doesn’t seem to listen. This leads to a lot of parenting frustration, and it makes it harder for the parents.

To compound the issue, often times the doctors and therapists involved in making recommendations for ADHD treatment suggest that the parents go for therapy, and the kid or teen doesn’t have to. This makes the issue worse, when the parent feels that he or she is being blamed by the doctor!

The reality is that even though parents may not be the cause of ADHD, you can be part of the solution. Research has shown that when parents use specific strategies designed to help with ADHD, this can improve their effectiveness as parents. This is often called ‘Parent Management Training’.

It’s important for parents of kids with ADD or ADHD to remember – you are not the cause of the ADD or ADHD, but you are part of the solution. Get the support and help you need, and keep trying all that you can. You know that your child is worth it!

A parent, whether single or with a partner, is often blamed for anything that goes wrong with their children. Blame for the perceived wrongdoings of our children is probably one of the hardest burdens that we as parents have to carry.

The truth is that parents these days are time poor and their children are, more than ever before, influenced by many powerful outside sources. Most parents are doing the best they can with the knowledge they have. For the majority of people, this knowledge is based on how they were parented themselves. But times have changed, what worked for their parents and for them as children may not work now for their own families. Many people find that relying on what they learned from their own experience isn’t sufficient.

With just about everything that we do in life, we learn from our ‘mistakes’. Some of our mistakes are easy to move on from, others can last a lifetime and cause untold heartache.

Most people are born with parental instincts so parenting does come naturally to a certain extent. But who among us can say that they have not made mistakes? The evidence of some of our hasty parenting decisions can be in the form of defiant, uncommunicative or sullen children and teenagers, and these mistakes are not easy to live with.

Is there a better way? Yes, there is. Learning to become an effective parent can save a great deal of heartache.

Effective parenting is a learned skill and like just about everything else that we do, the more we practice effective parenting techniques, the better and more effective we become at parenting.

Effective parenting training gives us a better understanding of the complexities of our family, the pressures that our children face in the modern school setting, and the added pressure from part time work that many young people experience. It teaches us how to listen, understand and communicate with our children so that we do not make things worse, whilst still understanding that every child, family and situation is unique.

Can effective parenting training (EPT) help?

In short, effective parenting training takes some of the guess work out of parenting and provides strategies and tools that can be used to create a more harmonious home. If things are pretty good at home, proactive parenting is even better.

* EPT gives parents the opportunity to stop and look at their home situation from a different perspective. What were your goals when you started your family? EPT is a big step towards achieving those goals.

* EPT can help parents identify if they are working with or against each other. How do they reach consensus?

* EPT provides guidelines for putting things into order at home – creating a ‘bottom line’, revisiting values and establishing rules, boundaries and consequences. This step alone is critical. Too many rules become unworkable but rules and boundaries provide a baseline for the whole family and a structure with foundations for feeling safe with everyone knowing what is expected of them.

* Rules, boundaries and structure are meaningless to children and teenagers without loving, sincere and effective communication. EPT will teach parents how to listen and communicate effectively rather than inflaming situations.

* EPT will assist parents in understanding what their children need to experience in order to feel loved. Most parents do try to show their love but do not understand that what is perceived as love to one person may be quite different to another.

* Parents will understand how their children learn. Once again, because we are unique individuals, we all learn differently. This understanding can provide the parent untold and unique opportunities to help their children gain confidence at school.

With these tools and a firmer foundation upon which to move their families forward in a positive direction, parents and their children will feel empowered.

Children are resilient and forgiving and they do want to feel the love their parents have for them. It is essential for their growth into healthy young adults. Where there has been continuing conflict you can be pretty sure that some of those loving feelings have been lost. They can be reestablished. There has to be at least one ‘adult’ in a situation to turn things around; someone who is willing to take the responsibility to get things moving in the right direction.

Beginning parents will probably have a good understanding of some of the pitfalls in modern parenting – prevention is so much better than any cure.